Freedom Monkey House

Volley Grrls

I think it is universally understood that there are certain topics that really shouldn’t be broached. These are subjects that can end friendships, blacken eyes, bloody noses, and even bring down a nation… I am talking about politics, religion, and sports. It is because of that, I am vowing to never write a blog about curling.

Despite the fact that these things ignite fiery fits of rage from a very opinionated public, people seem to gravitate toward debates about them—like moths to a flame. I mean, really… just check out some of the other bloggy sites around town. It’s “politics this” and “sports that.” I haven’t had any luck finding a lot of religious blogs but, to be fair, God’s favored mediums are stone tablets and conflagrant foliage.

I have gone a week without a fresh post, so I figured that I would have to pull out all the stops on this entry. I have an idea so controversial that 66 % of my readers’ heads will literally burst. The surviving regular reader works at a testing lab where he is working on an exploding liquid ear-wax removal system—so, on the surface, this may seem like a bad move. Trust me, I have put in, at least, 3 solid minutes of thought on this and I think it will all be worth it. I am trying to lure in the “ranting blogger” crowd. Hopefully, if this all goes according to plan, my readership should soar to 5 or maybe even 6 losers.

I am proposing that we start a new sports league: Married Lesbian Beach Volleyball. Hear me out. This idea will incorporate all of the major volatile issues. The teams would consist of married lesbian couples. That they are lesbians, will spark heated religious debate. Others will bump heads over the validity, legality, and constitutionality of the various couple’s unions-ity. I know, I know… volleyball isn’t really that popular, but marrying an entire soccer team just seemed to go too far. Besides, the voice in my head is assuring me that, “If there are cat-fights, they will come.”

Can you imagine the discussion at the water cooler? Can you imagine the anger generated? Can you imagine the amount of injury caused by a 5 gallon jug of water? Now add the coffee maker element. A day at the office just got interesting.

Movie Trailer Reviews Of Movies: The Bourne Supremacy

I have finally decided to throw my hat into the “film review” ring. Though I think I could take Roger Ebert in a “two-fall” bout, I’ll let my trusty computer do the fighting. Movie reviews have been done to death, so my challenge is to make my reviews different. I think I may have come up with a good idea.

My plan is to critique soon-to-be released movies, having never seen the actual film—only the movie trailer. Yes, you heard correctly… I will not be reviewing the trailer, but the film, itself. Now that you understand the concept, let’s get this started with my first film review of the motion picture: The Bourne Supremacy.

This latest installment to the “Bourne” franchise picks up where The Bourne Identity left off. We find Jason Bourne (played by Matt Damon of Eurotrip) living with his girlfriend, (the German chick from Run Lola Run) who is running a surf shop at Rehoboth Beach.

Jason still has amnesia, but he knows that he once was a super-secret assassin working for a highly covert agency in the U.S. government, whose chief mission was coordinating classified tactical operations designed to maintain the concealment of the afore mentioned agency. Oh, well I guess he knows everything… Wait! What he doesn’t know is that the secret agency has sent out other super-secret assassins to kill him because they consider Jason a liability. Damn! Apparently, Jason is also already aware of that. Let’s just say that Jason Bourne does not have amnesia. I’ve never liked that plot device anyhow, although it was expertly used in an episode of Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp.

I quite like this series of movies chronicling the life of Jason Bourne, however I don’t believe the studio is marketing it as well as they could. First off, I don’t like the title. I was thinking they should have gone with Bourne to Be Wild. In that same vein, my idea for the third movie centers around Jason’s eldest son—who becomes a super-secret assassin in order to avenge the killing of his weird “quasi-uncle” (played by Ben Affleck of Phantoms.) It will be called: First Bourne. I also thought of a promotional gimmick we could set up with Budweiser, tying in their “Bourne on Date” campaign.

I don’t want to give away the ending, so I’ll just finish by saying that Matt Damon gets shot in the head. But to the world’s dismay, he survives and goes on to star in the sequel to Stuck on You.

Rating—Half Price Matinee

Also Opening July 23, 2004
Zatoichi—What are you waiting for? You should already be in line!
Catwoman—Half Price Matinee
The Grudge—Wait for the American version, and then see that on video rental.
A Home at the End of the World—Rent It
Festival Express—See it at a cinema draft house with six of your “hippy” friends.

This week’s review is in the can!

“I Shall Not Cease… Till Jerusalem Is Builded Here in England’s Green and Pleasant Land!”

There are many destinations that come to mind when one thinks of a European vacation. The South of France, Venice, Madrid, the Eiffel Tower, Rome, ancient Greek ruins, and Tijuana are all popular tourist spots. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to vacation in Great Britain.

Much of that time, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to see there. I just felt a pull—drawing me towards merry ol’ England. Over the years, I’ve considered visiting everything from Stonehenge to an open moor in the middle of nowhere. I have also heard good things about the London nightlife, pubcrawls in particular. Finally, however, I have come to the conclusion that my first European adventure will have to be a tour of medieval castles.

I intend on spending the next year researching exactly what it will take to make this dream a reality. Some things, I will need to consider are which castles I will visit and in what order so as to best economize my time and money.

Even my transportation is another factor to consider. I would like to incorporate a trip across the Atlantic in an ocean liner. Once I am there, will I rent a car? …a motorcycle? …a scooter? …a bicycle? …or, will I travel on foot with a backpack?

What will I bring? I think the best plan is to travel light. A must have will be my digital camera. I intend on documenting my experiences. Also a must have, will be some sort of werewolf repellant. If the media has taught me anything, it’s that Europe is teaming with werewolves.

Our Once and Future DJ

I think I have come up with the perfect weekend plan. It goes like this:

1) Spend the day making your own mead. Of course, it won’t be ready for drinking that day… or with my luck, ever. Still, the trying (in theory) sounds like it might be a fun activity.
2) Much mead making might make me mungry. So, after a long day of destroying the kitchen, it’s time to gallop over to the Medieval Times. (Not to be confused with the Medieval Times.) I have wanted to go to this place for years. Dinner and bloody, mortal combat… what can be better? They had planned to open one near the Huntington Metro in Northern Virginia a few years ago, but it never panned out. No matter, the one in Hanover, Maryland is within striking distance. I’ll just have to go easy on the grog. (Yes, I know grog is not from the Middle Ages. You watch the History Channel and the behind the scenes feature on the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD so now, all of a sudden, you’re a fucking expert. Kiss my ass.)
3) And finally, the day ends with a walk across the mall to the movie theatre to see King Arthur.

Tell me that isn’t the perfect plan. Unfortunately for me, I have already seen King Arthur. Hell, to take part in the perfect weekend plan, I think I could watch it again.

Speaking of movies, what is with the new film De-Lovely? Am I the only one who thought it was a bio-pic about Lady Miss Kier? It turns out that it is a film about American composer Cole Porter. (No, that’s not the dead guy who sang Unforgettable with his daughter. That was Nat King Cole. I guess VH1’s I Love the 40’s didn’t teach you everything. Tweedle dee!)

It’s All Greek to Me

There is a select group of my close friends that know that the topics which interest me most—are the things I know least about. Arthurian legend, Christianity, Victorian era true-crime… all passions of mine, and all mysteries, wrapped in an enigma, sealed in a rune, locked in a cryptogram, incased in inscrutableness, chained to a sphinx, and thrown over the side of a stolen row boat into the Sea of Perplexity.

There is a closer—inner circle of friends that possess a more accurate knowledge… I don’t know anything about half of the stuff I talk about.

One subject which I find to be very interesting is language. Languages fascinate me. I have long desired to speak in various tongues. But, after many years of foreign language training, I still only speak one language… English, and I really don’t even speak that very well. More accurately, I speak a mid-Atlantic American dialect of the English language. To my credit, I am an expert in that dialect.

When I was in high school, one of my “cooler” English teachers had us memorize the first couple pages of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales in the original Middle English. Without a doubt, that was one of the coolest homework assignments I have ever been given. Truthfully, it may be the only homework assignment I actually completed.

It was like I was speaking a foreign language, and yet it was strangely familiar. Ever since then I have wanted to learn to speak Middle or Old English. Often, I check the “class catalogs” for the local community college or adult learning facility to see if a class in Old English is offered. I never have any luck, although I occasionally stumble across classes for learning Scottish Gaelic. Gaelic is very tempting.

One friend of mine, whose major was English, told me that Old English was one of his course requirements. This is something I could have taken advantage of, had I stayed beyond my first semester.

I started thinking about language today while I was looking at some things written in various computer codes, such as ASCII or HTML. I began to think that, in the future, the accepted written form of English might be one of these codes. The current written form of English, in this future world, might be as dead as Latin or French.

English Teacher of the Future: Class, I have an assignment for you to complete over the midterm break.

Student of the Future: Aw… gee whiz, Mrs. Crabstar! None of our other teachers are giving us homework over the break. I was looking forward to spending most of the holiday at Toschi Station picking up power converters!

English Teacher of the Future: Luke, you can waste time with you friends once you have completed the assignment… I would like you all to memorize the first three paragraphs of this essay, composed by the great, 21st century blog writer—Igmar Fillipé. And, I would like you to memorize it in its original mid-Atlantic American dialect of Late English.

Student of the Future: Rats!

I Smelt What the Rock Was Cooking

If I ever became a professional wrestler, I think I would take the name Agent Orange. Right off the bat, I have a name that is familiar and inspires fear… and you already have an idea of what colour material I’ll use for my costume.

Like most wrestlers, I will have my own patented moves. I already thought of a few: the Flying Orange Wedge, the Orange Slice, the Juicer, the Orange Peel…

I could use REM’s Orange Crush as my theme song. What? It could happen. They let the television show Get a Life use Stand for their theme! I can see it. The lights in the auditorium are down, and then the PA system blasts the intro drum roll into the song and… boom! The fireworks go off as I prance down to the ring while talking to myself and slapping “high fives” with the occasional red neck… err, I mean fan.

As I enter the ring, I snatch the microphone from the trembling ring announcer. Then the roaring crowd falls quiet as I point toward my opponent and shout out my catch phrase, “Come and get your Vitamin C!”

Okay, so the catch phrase still needs a little work. I have been sick for a week. I have Vitamin C on the brain. Give me a break.

I Am Ready For My Close-Up...

Okay... Some of you may have noticed that I have not posted a photo of myself on this site. Some of you, on the other hand, are legally brain dead. For those of you whose mainframes aren't operating on all four cylinders, this is for you.

For the three of you that are still with me, you are probably wondering why my pic is absent. This is not because I am afraid of my picture being out there in cyber-space. I am not entirely cognizant of what "cyber-space" really is. From what I have been able to deduce, it is a magical land of email and porn. Like any magical land, I figure that cyber-space is inhabited by gnomes. Horny little postal workers that live in tree roots. It makes sense because I've seen that gnomes have been using some of the popular travel websites. All my emails to my future Russian bride are racking up their frequent flier miles.

The reason I don't have my picture posted is because I can't find any recent photos of myself. For an instant, the idea had crossed my mind to post one of the many childhood "me camping" photos. I have a remarkable number of photos in which I am doing "number 2" on a portable toilet in the middle of the woods. I think I have one from every state park in Virginia. My dad was no artist, but seriously... I think he has enough to do a show at a studio.

After further thought, however, I decided that a more recent photo would be the way to go. So, basically, this entry is a call for everyone I know to email me any pictures you may have of me. Really, any photo you may have would be appreciated... the more silly or embarrassing, the better. Just be careful how you send them to me. I'm not sure how I would feel to find out that the gnomes have pasted my head on Jennifer Aniston's body. Actually, that might be funny.

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt...

John Kerry is a genius. He has finally picked one of the many available “Johns” as his running mate. Much to the relief of everyone, he released this information on his website a few hours before the long, boring, monotone speech in which he was to formally make the announcement. By the time the big soapbox oration came, everyone already knew that John Edwards was getting the nod… everyone except, well maybe John Edwards—himself.

Despite the fact that I don’t really give a rat’s ass who Kerry picks to run with, I decided I would go ahead and subject myself to the torture of sitting through the big unveiling. Now, I don’t normally watch or listen to political speeches. Unless Rudy Giuliani’s son is dancing around in the background, I find they do not hold my attention. What I do see, are usually the media’s sound bites of the events. And, for the last four years, the media has been drowning me with sound bites of President Bush mispronouncing, misusing, or just plain making up words. Okay… I will be the first to say that a lot of them are funny, but come on! Public speaking is not a walk in the park. As long as we get the gist of what he is trying to say, do we really need to nitpick every little detail? A lot of the same people who make fun of the President’s unique way of speaking also get pissed off when I mention that they made a capitalization error in their email. And, God forbid I should correct someone’s spelling… but not “potato.” Liberals and Democrats are all experts when it comes to spelling “potato.”

Maybe I’m the only one who heard it, (or watched it, for that matter) but I swear that Kerry pronounced his wife’s name seven different ways in that speech. At one point, he even stumbled through it like he had almost forgotten what her name is. Seriously people… this is his wife. She is not named after some obscure town in the Middle East. She has a common English name. But did anyone lampoon Kerry about it in the press or the talk show circuit? I’ll give you one guess, and it rhymes with “no.”

So, anywho, Kerry is buttering the audience up with his set up and finally he hits us with the pay off. After he revealed that Edwards would be his running mate, there was some applause from the crowd. The camera is getting shots of the crowd, Kerry, Teresa… crowd, Tereesa, Kerry… Terasa, crowd, Kerry… The whole time, I am waiting for Edwards to pop up out of a hatch on the stage with fireworks and his name on a giant marquee. Crowd, Terosa, Kerry… Teresssa, crowd, Kerry… t-shirt vendor.

What happened? John Edwards was a no show for his own debut. Talk about “anti-climactic.” I will give them this: it was the biggest surprise of the morning. I’m just not sure how they can top it. Oh, wait… I’ve got it! They can refuse to accept their party’s nomination at the Democratic National Convention. That would be geniustical!

What’s Cooking, Good Looking?

I think that I might be in love. This is not something that happened all of a sudden. It is a relationship that has grown over time. I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. I loved her tips for eating at a foreign city on $40 a day. And, don’t get me started on her 30 minute meals. That’s right. I am in love with the Food Network’s Rachael Ray.

Oh sure, there have been others in the past. Katie Brown was nice. She was like the Generation X- Martha Stewart… minus the evil. But after a while, I was finding excuses not to watch her show until I finally broke it off all together. (Truth be told, she kinda ended it with me… My television market stopped carrying her show. I was heartbroken.)

And I can’t even talk about my love affairs with domestic divas without mentioning Giada De Laurentiis. Her specialty is everyday Italian cooking and she has the beauty of an Italian Natalie Portman—without the paparazzi butt-scratch photos.

But of all the cooks I’ve loved before, none could touch Rachael… though I think I can admit that I was tempted to stray by Tyler Florence’s ultimate potato gratin. College was a very experimental time.

Rachael may not be the best cook out there, but she has qualities that the others don’t. I love her bubbly personality. I love her corny expressions. I love that she makes mistakes. She cuts herself. She likes beer. She is a hearty eater… Rachael has panache. She has it in spades. She has a certain “je ne sais quoi” that would cause me to use the word panache and the terms “in spades” and “je ne sais quoi.”

Okay, so maybe I don’t love her in the “love letters, restraining order, lead story on Access Hollywood with scary music” sort of way… but I would classify my love for her as a chivalrous, courtly sort of love. I definitely would slay a fire breathing beast in her honour. And, really, isn’t that what we need more of now in this topsy, turvy, dragon infested world?

Coyote Ugly

Move over MS-13, now there is something meatier. An even greater threat has moved into the DC area. According to an AP report, wildlife biologists have told the Washington Post that coyotes have been sighted in Falls Church, Arlington, and Silver Spring. They also say that it is only a matter of time before they hit the District.

In Falls Church they are warning residents to keep cats and small dogs inside. Apparently, there have already been many attacks. Oddly, no warning was issued concerning roadrunners or rascally rabbits.

Animal control experts have said that coyotes (Canis latrans) rarely attack humans. However, they may attack people if they are rabid or are a member of the various breeds classified as “Super-Genius” (exempli gratia: Carnivorous Vulgaris, Road-Runnerus Digestus, Eatibus Anythingus, Famishus-Famishus, Famishius Fantasticus, Eternalii Famishiis, Famishius Vulgaris Ingeniusi, Eatius-Slobbius, Hardheadipus Oedipus, Carnivorous Slobbius, Hard-Headipus Ravenus, Apetitius Giganticus, Hungrii Flea-Bagius, Caninus Nervous Rex, Grotesques Appetitus, Nemesis Riduclii, etcetera…)