I think the stars are aligning against me. Literally, they are aligning against me. I awoke today with the familiar visage of my once favourite constellation emblazoned across my forehead. Its belt is prominently displayed above my eyebrow and the blue supergiant, Alnilam, is shining brightly, guiding mariners safely back toward their home ports.
As I kick the last of the wayward sailors out of my house, I begin to wonder why—when so many other facets of my life seem to be falling into place—my complexion appears to be going haywire. I recently purchased two humidifiers for my home. At first I thought I was suffering from allergies. But, after exhaustive research, discovered the problem was probably that my house was too dry. The camel was the give-away. However, to be fair, I may also be allergic to dromedary dander.
My constantly running nose seems to have cleared up, but I still have dry patches on my skin… most noticeable at my hairline. To combat this, I have adopted a regimen that includes heavy doses of chap stick and lotion. Now my lips are kissably soft. My forehead, on the other hand, is being rented by the local college’s astronomy program.
A co-worker suggested that the lotion may be my problem. He says that I may want to try lotion that is made specifically for use on the face. I didn’t know such a thing existed. I am a man. I don’t know why my co-worker knows this exists. He is a redneck. He is a mystery to me. In addition to his skin care advice, he has also recently revealed to me that he was in the seminary and he knows all the words to “Master of the House”.
Tonight I will be enjoying an invigorating face wash containing cinnamon, lemon, and honey. This will be followed by a nourishing face moisturizing lotion with sweet almond and lavender oils and more of the honey. And they are gluten free! If they don’t help, at least I can add my head to my next smoothie. Until then, the Mayans will be using me while compiling their latest codex, “Even More
Wacky Doomsday Predictions!”