Is not having baggage the baggage of the 10’s? (I want it noted for the record that calling this decade the 10’s sounds retarded. At least we are out of the 00’s.) The last three women I’ve been on dates with all asked if I’ve ever been in a long term relationship. I still don’t think I’ve come up with a good answer for that.
“I… had a goldfish for a few years. He’s dead now.”
What are women looking for with a question like that? Is the normal response to answer yes and then spend the next forty-five minutes explaining how your ex is an unholy succubus that feeds on the souls of the living? Originally, I thought this was how the ladies filter out the guys with unresolved issues. However, as I awkwardly form my response, I gauge from their expression that there is more to it.
“I was seeing this one girl. We drifted apart after I graduated high school.”
Their expression is similar to the look home buyers give when viewing a fixer-upper. “Well, he’s got good bones and the price is right… But the kitchen needs updating, the hardwood floors need to be refinished, the wallpaper has to go, he was built on tribal burial land, and where is the walk-in shoe closet? I don’t think I have the time or energy to work on him.”
I have never been in a serious relationship. Never. Ever. Is that a problem? I just spent my life doing other things. I won’t lie… Often the carousel of life would bring me around and I would reach out for that golden ring. But relationships were always just out of reach. So I spent a lot of time eating cotton candy.
Now it’s the 10’s! I’ve trimmed down. I’ve sworn off funnel cake and candied apples. I’m in a new
house. I could care less about my job. I am looking for love! But we are in a recession. And I don’t interview well.
“Well, your references are good. I see you were a Boy Scout. Weird… but, okay. I like that you’re eager to start right away. Look, let me be frank: We are getting a lot of applicants for this position. We would just like to get someone with a little more experience. Or, any experience.”
So here I am. The way I see it is that I have arms available to carry some of your bags. I don’t mind.
I am happy to help. Is that designer luggage? All of these are yours? Are there rocks in this one? Hmmm… Wait right here. I’m gonna find one of those carts.