The Second in a Mutha-Fuckin’ Series
“What was that?”
“What was what?” I replied.
“Something just bumped into my ankle,” she said in a hushed voice.
“It’s just your imagination. Maybe this movie is a little too scary for you.”
“We’re watching Young Frankenstein… for like the tenth time. Besides, I know what I felt. There! There it is again!” She quickly lifted her feet and curled into a ball at the end of the couch.
“Fine. Man go turn on light… hunt creature… protect woman.”
I walked across the room and flicked on the light switch. The floor was clear. There was ne’er a creature in sight.
“The coast is clear. I think I’m going to take this opportunity to open another bottle of wine… that is, if you think you can handle things on your own for a few minutes.”
“Fuck you.”
“I’ll take that as a maybe.”
I was only upstairs, in the kitchen, about two minutes when I heard the blood curdling scream shoot up from the basement. “Aaaaiiiieeeee! What the fuck is that!”
I rushed down the stairs, still clutching the bottle opener. “What? What is it?”
Susan was now standing on the old wooden trunk that doubled as the rec room coffee table. The look on her face was something between fear and repulsion. “I don’t know. It was some kind of bug… like, a spider or something.”
“A bug?!” I asked. “Gimmie a break. I almost broke my ankle running down here. I thought someone might have broken in and was trying to rape you.”
“…And you were going to pull him off of me with the corkscrew?”
I feigned laughter—stopping suddenly, “I don’t think someone doing an antsy dance on top of a box has room to be a smartass.”
“Whatever. You didn’t see it. It was some kind of mutant, hopping spider-cricket… and it was attacking me.”
“Attacking you?” My ensuing giggle was stifled, however, when three of the creatures jumped at me and bounced against my legs. “Aaaaaiiieeee!!” The corkscrew fell as I jumped, joining Susan on top of the trunk. “What the fuck are they?!”
Susan stared at me with an emotionless expression until finally, and with only the slightest hint of sarcasm, she uttered, “My hero.”
Hehehe...I have no witty commentary, but that was funny.
Posted by: Leah | August 29, 2006 at 06:56 PM
Recently, when my daughter had a friend over, one of the cats brought a cicada in. If you've never seen a cicada in person, they are grotesque flying prehistoric looking icky, icky things.
This thing starts buzzing around the room and I scream and jump on the couch.
I'm not sure what protection I thought a little bit of height afforded me with a FLYING MONSTER.
Apparently the 2 girls and my husband thought the same thing as their gales of laughter had them holding their sides and snorting.
So I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. Let the thing eat THEM. Ha. Bastards.
Posted by: Contrary | August 29, 2006 at 07:13 PM
How 'bout a post about the ant that crawled across your truck last week...
Posted by: teb | August 31, 2006 at 08:34 AM
They could go on like this forever, no?
Crickets in the Basement
Spiders In The Bathtub
Bears in the Bathroom
Just think. All the drama without ever having to set foot outside your home.
Posted by: Janet | September 02, 2006 at 03:50 PM